Friday, October 27, 2006

ennui on a Friday afternoon

I'm struggling with motivation and focus today. My brain feels heavy, and I have the attention span of a preschooler. Three times now I've opened a new browser window or Word document, only to get distracted by some unrelated thought or incoming email and then turn back to that new window or blank document moments later to find that I've forgotten what I was looking for or about to do.

I took my car to the mechanic at 7:45 this morning to have it assessed for preventative maintenance needs (my father recently made me aware that I'm long overdue on multiple services). I'm not really sure why, but something always comes over me when I take my car in to one of these places. Even though I try to go in there all confident and assertive and knowledgable, when the time comes for them to explain to me everything that needs to be done, I end up feeling incredibly ignorant and vulnerable, reduced to nodding and saying, "Oh" and "Really?" as I try to follow along, willing my chin not to quiver and my eyes not to well up as this guy probably 5 years my junior graciously gives me the benefit of the doubt and shows me each part that is worn/cracked/loose/leaking as if I am able to confirm his findings and recommendations by sight. Even when I go in there knowing that I'm going to need a bunch of work done, it's always incredibly disheartening to be told that just under the hood of my seemingly well-functioning car are a multitude of parts and processes just waiting to crack, leak, explode, die, or otherwise break down on me. And on a day like today, when I am feeling tired and rather melancholy to begin with, my car being on the cusp of mutiny only invites metaphors, and I consider that sometimes life feels like my car, and I wonder what's there, just under the surface, ready to bust and leave me stranded. And though I know that preventative maintenace is required, and probably long overdue, I feel burdened by the cost. The Mechanic tells me how much better my car will run once I've had these things taken care of. I want to believe Him, but I am wary, lacking trust.

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